Dear Alucard
by Quena
Summary: To entertain Alucard between missions, Seras made a homepage and an email address for him!
1. Chapter 1

I'm back! And I still don't own Hellsing or anything else…

Oh, to everybody who waits for another chapter of 'Wild boys will be Wild': I don't think I'll keep it up, but if someone wants to write his/her own version of it, go ahead!

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This have happened:

Seras made a home page and an e-mail address to entertain Alucard between attacks. He receives e-mail's from fans, writes an answer, and publishes them!

A/N: **Bold: Alucard's answers. **Normal: letters.

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Dear Alucard,

I have a big problem. My brother and I were experimenting a bit with daddy's chemistry set this day, when something got wrong and my brother got sucked in to a HUGE hole (it really was huge…). Anyway, the point is that my brother is now about two meters tall, and I am only 4'4… What shall I do to grow taller like you? Please help me!

Metal Fist

**Dear Metal Fist**

**I had the same problem as you have. I drank a lot of milk! It really helps! Drink a lot of milk every day (a couple of litres a day should help). If it doesn't help, you can always wear stilts. It can be hard in the beginning but you'll get used to them.**

Dear Alucard,

I have a few questions:

- What is your best hair tip?

- Do you brush your teeth every day?

- When do you go to sleep?

- Is sir Integra your girlfriend?

Tessie, 11

**Dear Tessie, 11,**

**Here are the answers:**

**-It's all about the hairbrushes! If you don't love your hairbrush, it won't brush your hair and make it so shiny and beautiful like mine! giggle giggle.**

**-Yes, I brush my teeth every day. Or else my Master takes Jackal away.**

**-Sleep….?**

**-NO! NO! NO! NO! eww…**

Dear Alucard,

My friend, 'Roy', has the worst sense of direction EVER. Last week, showed him how to walk from his home to my school and told him to come there after he finishes work. He came after FOUR DAYS. FOUR DAYS! It really doesn't take that long to walk a couple of meters, does it? Please Alucard, what shall I do to help him?

-Reanne

**Dear Reanne,**

**I suggest you give him an atlas for his next birthday! I think he will appreciate that.**

**Dear Alucard,**

**I am SO in love with Seras Victoria! I have been stalking her for a while, but I can't get too close. Can you please introduce me to her? Pretty please…?**

**-Going too-too over Police Girl**

**Dear perverted person,**

**Three words:**

**IN. YOUR. DREAMS.**

Dear Alucard,

How come we nearly the same clothes? Have you been copying me? ARE YOU COOPERATING WITH MY BROTHER! WHY ISN'T THERE ANY DOUGH NUTS LEFT IN THE KITCHEN! AAAARGHHH! IM GOING MAAAD!

-Red coats are the S#§&!

**Dear mad man,**

**You lost me after the 'Dear Alucard' part…**

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A/N: Wiii! Chapter 1 is up! I will update as soon as possible! Rewiew!

If you want to ask Alucard something, email him at: 


	2. Chapter 2

Wii! Chapter two! Thank you for the reviews! I didn't expect it to be so popular! If you want to ask Alucard something, just email him at: don't own Hellsing or Google. I wonder why…

To Jay FicLover: Way to go, pal! You cracked the two first ones, but did you recognize the last one? If not, keep working on it!

To Wolf eyes555: Wii! You cracked the last one!

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Dear Alucard,

Are you "interested" in Seras or Integra? If neither, do you know what the definition of "yaoi" means? Mwa ha ha.

Denekrad

**Dear Denekrad, **

**Interested? You mean as in 'interested'? No. And I never will be. Eww… The definition of 'yaoi'? Since you're asking, I can look it up for you! Police Girl showed me this really cool site where you can look up things. It's called 'Google'. You really should try it! Well then… I'll just type in the word 'yaoi' in the little square and press the search-button! 5 070 000 hits! I'll take the first on! It says 'Yaoi hentai. For boys only'. Sounds good. Clicky clicky… Eww…. Eww… EWW! YOU HUMANS ARE GROSS! **

Dear Alucard,

Do vampires ever need to use the toilet? What does vampirish pee look like? Does it look like blood or normal pee? And does your hellhound form ever need to go potty? Is Sir Integra forced to pick up your puppy mess and put it out for trash whenever your hellhound form has a poo in a public sidewalk? Does Walter ever take your cutey little doggie form for a walk whenever it gets restless? Let me know if he doesn't, I'll tell the animal rights campaigners!

(wink wink)

– Jay FicLover

**Dear Jay FicLover,**

**-Well, duuh! Of course we use the toilet! Even though we are dead, our bodies need to 'empty' itself sometimes. If you really REALLY need to know the whole process, go to your nearest library and look up 'Vampire digesting system'. I'm sure you'll find something nice in there! **

**- Vampirish pee is just plain red. Like blood. But don't be fooled if somebody gave you some pee to drink and says that it is blood! Always sniff the liquid before drinking it! Or else someone can be laughing his guts out right now.**

**- Doggie me always needs to go potty! Especially after naps and meals. And when it happens, it happens. Either it is on the carpet in masters bedroom or on a public sidewalk. It's mostly Walter who picks up after me, if it's not in masters bedroom in the middle of the night. Guess who picks up after me then?giggle giggle**

**- It happens. Sometimes. Not so often, actually. When I think about it, he hasn't taken me out this year. Not ONE TIME! Yeah, you tell the animal rights campaigners that! Make sure they punish him well! **

Dear Alucard,

Who are you? And what do you want? Where do you live? Where are you sitting at this very moment? Where do you think we are? Why do we live and die? Where is God? Where am I?

-Little me

**Dear confused, **

**Please don't make me confused too! I am trying to make sense here!**

Dear Alucard,

I am obsessed with books! I really can't live without them! The longest time I've been without a book near me is five minutes. I read all the time, when I'm not in class. I read before I go to sleep, at breakfast, before and after classes, at the bathroom, EVERYWHERE AL THE TIME! Please help me!

Hellkitty

**Dear Hellkitty, **

**Maybe you should try to shoot one of your books! It always helps when you really need to kill some stupid thing, like habits… and ghouls… If you come by my basement someday, I'll lend you Joshua! But just for one shot, okay? I don't like to be without him a long time. Like that time when master took him away because I shot the armour suits in the hallway… But I'll tell you about that some other day!**

Dear Alucard,

My cousin 'Pants' and I don't agree on which on of our dads have the coolest Super-Soya-contest wig! He says that his dad, 'Veggie', have the best wig, and that my dad, 'Geeko's' wig sucks! Tell me, Alucard, what shall I do to convince him that my dad's wig is the best?

I really need you help!

-Geeko Jr.

**Dear Geeko Jr.,**

**Why don't you fight over it? Fighting is the best solution to solve this kind of matter! Send me a message when you are finished!**

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That's all for today! I'll update as soon as I can! If you want to ask Alu-chan anything, just email him at 


	3. Chapter 3

I'm back! And with a new chapter! I hope you'll enjoy this one too!

I do not own Hellsing or Harrods, but I gave Alucard a pair of socks for his birthday.

To Jay FicLover: Vash the Stampede is the main character in 'Trigun'. You should read/watch it! And yay! You cracked the 'Geeko Jr' letter! It was pretty obvious, wasn't it?Btw, HellKitty is just an ordinary girl. I was thinking of making her a bit like Hermione Granger from Harry Potter though.

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Dear Alucard-

Sorry if I traumatized you with my last message, but I have a new question.

Which movie do you think is more accurate "Dawn of the Dead" or "Resident Evil"?

Oh, one other thing: will you send me your hat?

- Denekrad

**Dear, Denekrad,**

**You again! You're EVIL EVIL EVIL! And NO, I won't send you my hat into a certain death! Well, it's already dead, but still!**

**Btw: 'Resident Evil' is like a total copy of the Hellsing, no wonder evil creatures like YOU watch it!grrrr…**

Dear Mr. Alucard,

I need you help. I really need to wash off my brother's existence from the face of the earth. I have tried and tried but for no use. I hate him more and more for everyday that I live. You always seem to succeed in eliminating you enemies; therefore I hope you could help me.

Waiting patiently for you reply,

-One-armed King

**Dear One-armed King,**

**I can really feel you hate, it almost melted down my Furby wallpaper! Nah, just kidding. Well, since you're asking so nice, I will reveal my best tip for eliminating you worst enemy withou them knowing:**

**-You make some kind of doll or statue of your enemy, take some sharp stuff and stick them in the doll. If you want, you can always go berserk a bit and tear it apart and bite it. And if you have some time over, you canwrite stuf like 'Ugly' and 'Iscariot' on it.It always helps!**

Dear Alucard,

Sir Integra seems to have her buttons easily pushed and this can lead to unproductivity in the work place. Has she ever considered an anger management seminar or temper course?"

The Desperado

**Dear Desperado,**

**Master Integra can be very hot-headed sometimes, but I don't think she has ever thought about therapy or something like that… I'll ask Walter if he give her a therapist for her next birthday! I can always take him if she doesn't like him… I could use some fresh food once in a while!**

Dear Alucard...

Do you ever shoot yourself in the head? After all you're a vampy so you should survive it after all, right...?

– coolRiku

**Dear coolRiku,**

**Yes, actually I've shot myself in the head once, just above my right eye! It was some time ago… can't really remember when, but the thing is that I survived! Duuh, why shouldn't I survive? **

Dear Alucard,

How old are you?

– BandNerdOtaku

**Dear BandNerdOtaku,**

**Let's just say I'm a guy in his best time in…ehh... 'life'… or afterlife. What, do I look old?Argh, damnit! Why do you have to ask questions like that! The make me nervous...**

Dear Alucard,

Is it true that dead bodies fart? Does it ever happen to you? What about Seras? Oh! Before I forget, my 'charming' sister has the most delicious AB Positive! You're welcome to come by for dinner anytime you want, just don't mention my name, we've never spoken to each other before...ok? BTW, I wanna dye my hair red, and have been told your tears are the best, so would you please cry over my head? What kind of encouragement do you need to get inspired? Garlic? If not I can always try giving you vampirish pee for a drink or plucking your nasal hair... Oh, and Alucard, Sir Integra says my neighbours' cat won't stop miaowing every bloody night! She says she wants you to eat it, that she'll blame it all on my other neighbour's poodle dog. And Alucard... by the way... am I getting annoying? Am I? Am I? Am I?

Jay FicLover

**Dear Jay FicLover,**

**NO, it's not true that dead bodies fart! Whoever told you that must be really stupid. **

**You say that you want to dye your hair red? I had red hair once… but Integra fainted every time she saw me, so I made it black again. I wonder why she fainted. Anyway, you say you want to use my tears! Well… it's hard to make me cry, but! BUT! If you let me totally drain you sister to the last drop, I'll maybe cry a bit for her soul… But I'm not sure I will! And that about you neighbours cat, I kind of ehh… stepped over it last night. Don't tell Master, or she'll make go apologise to the owners…**

**Ps. Yes, you're VERY VERY ANNOYING! Nah, just kidding you! DS.**

Dear Alucard,

Yesterday, I saw sir Integra kiss the elevator cleaner at Harrods. I still can't get it out of my head! I thought you'd want to know.

-Jada

**Dear Jada,**

**WAAAAAHHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THAT… THAT…! SHE WILL MEET HER DOOM! **

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**Wii! Chapter 3 is up! Thank you for the reviews! I think Alu-canh apriciates all the new attention he gets ,. **

**/Quena**


	4. Chapter 4

It's me again! Thank you for all the reviews, and I think that Alu-chan likes all the new attention he gets! Poor Alucard, we abuse him a lot…

To Denekrad: The site didn't show up, so I thought you meant . Please hit me with something hard if it's wrong!

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Dear Alucard,

Would you ever consider becoming a 'dancer' at a vampire strip club? Do you think Integra would let you? And... would you consider mentioning me to Integra as a potential new recruit for Hellsing?

Warm Regards,

-HieiKuramaFan

**Dear HieiKuramaFan,**

**A dancer at a strip club? Never thought about it… I think Master would let me if I showed her some of my, eh, talents. After all, I am such a smexy vampire, don't you think? **

Dear Alucard,

I was wondering if Seras as a vampire goes through PMS? If she does can she be bitchy and if so what do you and the others do to make her feel better?"

The Desperado

**Dear Desperado, **

**What is PMS? You say that makes her bitch… so I don't think I'll ask Seras. No. I'll definitely NOT ask Seras.**

Dear Alucard,

You don't look old, I was just curious. I was wondering if you know any other languages. Also you can eat my brothers if you want to. I really don't need them around here. They just get on my nerves. Now I shall leave you alone for a while.

-BandNerdOtaku

PS: You are my favorite anime character next to Seto Kaiba from YuGiOh and

Edward Elric from FullMetal Alchemist.

**Dear BandNerdOtaku,**

**Yeah, can speak Swedish, Rumanian, French and some Integra-goes-mad-ish. It's only spoken when Master goes mad, and it contains about four words: 'Get', 'D'hell' Outa'**

'**Here'. Do you need any language to communicate with your brothers? Or did you offer them to me just to spare yourself from learning it? Anyway, thank you for the free meal! I'll step by your house next Friday!**

Dear Alucard-

Yup, I found your address again! 1st I want to say I luv you to bits!...Which you can regenerate from. However, I have yet another reality smashing question for you: Have YOU ever gone to (A/N? ) and if so have you read any of the romance ones. I personally like the AxS ones, then again the AxAA are SO adorable. By any chance do you know what those ones are? (insert evil, maniacal laughter) Any-hoo, I just wanted to send you hugs and brain trauma!

Love, Denekrad

**Dear Denekrad,**

**Is that one of your creepy sites…? And what are AxS and AxAA? Is it more of your 'y'-stuff? If it is, I won't let you lure me in to it! Never ever! And I'll think I'll pass that hug… **

Dear Alucard,

We know where you are hiding.

Love-

The fangirls.

**Dear Fangirls,**

**Come and take me. I dare you.**

**-The invincible Alucard, aka NoLifeking**

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**Yay! Chapter 4 is up! I hope you enjoyed it!**

**/Quena**


	5. Chapter 5

Wii! Quena here again, and with fresh new Alucard-randomness! Thank you all for the reviews and I know that Alu-chan luuuvs his fans! yay! He is currently sitting on a couch reading the latest beeeeeep-volume with great pleasure since he decided to take a short brake from all the typing.

PS. Sorry for the kind of late update... I accidentally swallowed a needle some days ago (I know it sounds unbelieveble!)... Anyway, I had to go see that at the hospital, and it didn't really go so well...

I hope you'll enjoy this chapter too!

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Dear Alucard-Sama,

Hell-o! I'm a newly made fledgling Naturally made not chipped PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!. I wish to know when I can get the power to change my clothing "magically" (I can all ready do it normal thank you) and when can I change my hair length/style by will? Please please please tell me...

Oh and I was wondering since Seras and Integra (yes I hate her!) are not in a romance/sexual relationship with you, who is? Is it Anderson? Come on...I see the way you two look at each other! I think its cute the way you hide etch others love by the hole "I hate you, die!" thing. But relay, snog the poor Catholic. You can see it in his eye he wants you too! Just during a fight lock lips with him! I bet the outcome is just grand!

Oh and I was wondering what drugs you where on during WW2 man! Yes I've seen the pictures! ...Walter was hot! Where you trying to make the enemy think your gay or what? You looked like a little girl! I bet that's what gave Walter all his wrinkles, when he found out you where a man! XD! Poor poor Walter-kun! Do you still have that fluffy hat? Looks like a dead Furby or something...

Ne-ways, my master calls so I must make this letter short. May many bloody battles lie ahead of you, my no like king!

Dearestly your,

Luna M Poston, AKA Luna the Lunatic,

PS: do you have Lestat's E-mail? You know..."The vampire Lestat"

"The Brat Prince"?

**Dear Luna M Poston, AKA Luna the Lunatic,**

'**No Like King'…! It is the No LIFE King, fog God's sake! Anyway, thank you for the letter, it really filled the rather small but empty hole in my inbox (I don't have any place left for endless fan listing confirmation mails now!). Let's see if I can answer your questions!**

**To regenerate your clothes and hair you need to be able to regenerate yourself. If not, keep changin' them the normal way…**

**NO it's not that godforsaken priest! PLEASE do NOT GROSS ME OUT! **

**Actually, I don't remember hat I took during the Dawn… I had a huge empty space in my memory a few seconds after taking them (I couldn't even remember what I was doing during the day). You go ask Mr. Pretty-boy Gay-pants! I think that will make him even more wrinkled.**

Dear Alucard -

Hi again! Once again, I send you lots of love, and of course more sanity disintegrating questions! First off, have you found a hidden camera in your room yet? Second, have you found one in your bathroom? Third, have you been to (A/N ?) If 'no' is the answer to all of these questions, then I've done my job well! I love you and may your already fragile view of the world continue to crumble! HUGS!

-Denekrad P.S. LOVE your red boxers w/ the little bats on 'em!

**Dear Denekrad,**

**Yes, I found the one in my room, but not the one in the bathroom. But I haven't given up the search yet! (MWAHAHAHAHAA!) And no, I really don't trust other sites than my own now. I really don't want to go though another night mistakenly locked in the silver bullet storage (I was trying to escape my memory, but…).**

Dear Alucard,

I really think you should take up that stripping thing, you're a sexy beast!

PS: will you bite my neck?

PPS: will you kill some evil peopel for me (they think you're stupid)

MangaMania

**Dear MangaMania,**

**Oh yes I am! I don't think there is existing an other vampire sexier than me… And my tarot cards tells me that Lestat will die next Thursday in a car crash. Poor thing…**

**PS: Only if you're tasty.**

**PPS: Only if they are tasty.**

Dear Alucard,

There have been a lot of rumours that D from Vampire Hunter D is your son, is this true?

Your worthy follower,

-Wolf eyes5

**Dear Wolf eyes5,**

**If his mother is Erzebeth of Macedonia, then, sadly, yes… But there is always a chance she isn't. Even if it's a small chance…**

Dear Alucard,

How many times have you asked Sir Integra to have the permission to bite her? Also to ask you if you could eat some people that I really dislike (they are really assholes) And my final question: When was the first time you ate a person? You are my fav. Character in Hellsing, and also I made a fan art of you

– AnnaHimura

**Dear AnnaHimura,**

**These persons you're talking about, are the only mean or really REALLY mean. Like in Iscariot-mean or like Schrödinger-mean? **

**I don't ask permission for biting. I bite when I feel for it! Nobody have that kind of power on me, I am a free vampire! **

Dear Alucard,

I'm waiting for my tea. I don't think it will generate a pair of legs like you, stupid bloodsucker.

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, AKA Your almighty Master.

**Dear Master,**

**Who let you in here! I thought I had an anti-Integra program! **

Dear Alucard

Are you interested in Seras? If not, can you set me up with her? I'm a nice girl and won't take advantage of her (often). I'll let you eat my sisters (all six of them!) if you do.

The Eternal Watcher

P. S. -I'm always watching

**Dear Watcher,**

**N****o I'm NOT interested in Police Girl, but I'll ask her if she's available.**

**PS: I think Seras is straight...**

Dear Alucardy...

Yay! You can speak Swedish? And I'm from Sweden myself, if you want you can come over to Sweden and eat every teacher if you want...I wouldn't mind it at all...just don't try eating my cats...

coolRiku

**Dear coolRiku,**

**Yay! I can speak Swedish! Believe me, Swedish teachers are the worst food ever. Don't try them, do not even bite them when you're angry. You'll probably catch the infamous Glosprovs-illness! It makes you go nuts.**

Dear Alucard,

You DO know that hundreds of fangirls each year maul and kill Bishies year round? (Yes, you are 'T-3 Z3x' as my friends put it.)Are you worried about the fangirls' killing Police Girl, Sir Hellsing and any other woman that have been in contact with you? Such as myself? Or any others?

P.S. Do you understand 'Da L33T?'

Alex.IronWolf

**Dear Alex.IronWolf**,

**NO, I didn't know! That's horrible (cough 'not' cough). Mo, I'm not worried at the moment, but I'll tell you as soon as I know.**

Dear Alucard,

The person that told me that dead bodies fart is a doctor, does that count? Or should I ask the forensic? Does the fact that you're a No Life King make Seras a Princess? If even though you're a King, Integra is still your Master, does it make you a pussy? Is that why Integra never wears dresses? Because she's the one wearing the pants in your relationship? Or is she truly a lesbian transvestite? Oh, Alucard, 'PMS' is what Integra is chronically suffering, so that you know. ;-)

-Jay FicLover

**Dear Jay,**

**Did a doctor tell you that? You better not believe him, he's definitely faking it! Everybody knows doctors fake everything! That's because they where white clothes all year round. I would ask myself if I wanted to know! I always seem to have the right answer…**

**The fact that I am the No Life King doesn't make Seras a princess, no. (Save your money for something else than that crown you were going to buy to use with your cosplay). **

**PS. Integra wears dresses, they're just invisible so you can't see them!**

Dear Alucard,

No I don't need to learn a language to speak to my brothers. Well my older

brother does say things in German but I can understand them. I just want to get

rid of them because I hate them. I'll see you next Friday. Is 3:00 pm good for

you? If not you can just come through my window at midnight.

-BandNerdOtaku

**Dear BandNerdOtaku**

**Yay! Then it's a deal! I'll try to sneak out of my basement by 2:00 pm, so I'll be in time!**

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**See you at next chapter!**

**/Quena**


	6. Chapter 6

Hello again! Sorry for the late update, we're having a tough time in school right now. This morning we had one of the National Tests. They star at 9:00 am and ends at 12:35... really exhausted now... anyway, read and review!

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Dear Alucard,

Hello thar. First off, I'd like to say that you are the vampiric manefistation of awesome. Second, you are my hero, despite your psychopathy-ness...

I agree, yaoi teh ebil. .

And, I just have to ask... Since Integra is your master, has she ever... ordered you too give her certain 'services' (Nudge-nudge-wink-wink)? o.o Also, I showed a girl at my school a picture of you tearing a guy's head in half and drinking the blood. It frightened her severely. :) Have I been a good Alucard fan boy?

Nameless Heretic

**Dear Nameless Heretic,**

**For the last time: I would never EVER give you my stuff! My hat! MINE! My purrecius…**

**(Blink-blink-wide-eyes) Services..? Not really… Well once when she was like 17 she wanted me to walk around naked… Nowadays she just wants me to go fetch the newspaper in my hell doggie form. **

**PS. You're the best fan boy! **

Dear Alucard,

I am MAD! (not "crazy" mad, but mad, mad) Do you know WHY I'm mad? Yes, of course you do cuz you have telepathy, but I'M SAYING IT ANYWAY! I just watched the movie "Van Helsing" and it F-ing SUCKED! They didn't make you anywhere NEAR as awesome and hott as you really are and the had F-ing Helsing WIN! THAT SUX!(foaming at mouth and eyes twitching madly. suddenly rememberes a second question and looks all innocent) Oh, and I have a question, are you and the Phantom of the Opera related? You have the same taste in clothes, you like red and him black, you both wear fedora hats, and those cool cloak thingies and I almost thought he was YOU! Pleez answer or I will start thinking Phantom is hotter than you and HE has the complection problem. Nyah!

Love Denekrad

**Dear Denekrad,**

**Yeah right! Be mad like you've never been before! I can really feel your madness floating in through the screen like… like (wtf..!)… like spam! Yeah, like spam! Van Helsing is so TOTALLY NOT GOOD! I recommend crushing the DVD with your teeth to make it un-watchable! **

**The Phantom of the Opera? Oh yeah, that guy! No, we're not related, but he called me a while ago for some fashion tips…**

Dear Alucard,

Well actually it would be better for me at midnight since my older brother works until then and my little brother doesn't come home until 4. Or if you want you can come around 3:00 pm on Saturday. My house is the one with the red car and black trailer in the driveway. Is the book Dracula by Bram Stoker accurate about vampires?

-Eternally gratefull

BandNerdOtaku

**Dear BandNerdOtaku,**

**Wait wait wait! that's too much information in one letter! I'll just jump in through the window around midnight, right?**

**Ehh…. Who's Bram Stokes?**

Dear Almighty Alucard.

Which horror movie do you think is better? "The Ring" or "The Grudge" (Not Ring 2 because it was not as good as the first) I thought you would enjoy both because they both involve people dying.

P.S: I'm holding Jackal ransomed. You can get it back by comming to my place and show off some of your "Moves"

Your devoted Fan girl.

-Wolf eyes5

**Dear Wolfie (can I call you that,),**

**NAAAAAAAAAWWWWHHHH! Wait for me, Jackal! I'm coming to save you from the horrible fan girl! Dumdum du-dum, dum-dum du-dum… (Police-Bandit Chase - music)**

Dear Alucard-sama,

Yay! If you got this it means you haven't blocked me yet! GAH so sorry for the spelling errors...Was dazing in and out

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Its not him! damn then who are you having crazy vampire sex with? Intgrea, Seras, And now Anderson is out...then who's left? Walter,Pip,Doc,Schrodinger,Maxwell, the Major (OH DEAR GOD NO!) I can't think of anyone else more now but come on who? I WANNA KNOW! Are you up for grabs?

Oh yess. Are you religious ..I mean, right now in you state of mind? Are you ever pissed off with all the bad Draclua movies out there? When are you going to break free of Integra and destroy the world humans crated? And you still haven't given me Lestat e-mail weeps!

Truly yours,

Luna

**Dear Luna,**

**WTF IS GOING ON IN A FAN GIRL'S BRAIN! Will you PUH-LEASE stop yammering about who I am havin' beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-ex with! If you REALLY want to KNOW I The story is currently going through technical problems -A! How does that taste, HUH! I am INVINCIBLE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Dear Alucard,

I am quite recent here. I am fan of your way of thinking of mutilating,shooting and decapitating your enemies. Could you tell your moves on how to do those things properly?

I need it to motivate my troops in battle and scare my enemies.

thanks for the advice,

Kharne the Betrayer, Warhammer 40k(trying to hold out enemies)

PS. I am warping my mail from a 10 lightyears away, this is why maybe you only

received this now

if you did please answer ASAP or it will reach me in about 5 years time. I need

your advice because

our frontline is crumbling fast.

**Dear Name-too-difficult-to-spell,**

**Great, you're another of those I-like-to-make-people-confused-folks! You lost me in the beginning somewhere around the Dear Alucard part…**

Dear Big Red,

Are you so old that you are beyond anger? And I heard that you are getting a

face lift for the New Ova series. Is that true? Last question, I was wondering if

you would like to go get coffee? And maybe you could have a little bite, if

you're good.-

with love,

Rhi

Ps. Will you someday find Lestat and kill him, since D fails to do so yet. He's

getting really annoying with his "I want to be a saint!" ok, hope to hear from

you!

**Dear Rhi,**

**I am not old! But that about the face lift is partly true… It was a present for my beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-th birthday from master and Seras. I think Seras is the mind behind it all… **

**Coffee, why not? Call me, 46736411808!**

**PS. Lestat is the worst kind of vampire I've ever seen, I don't want to waste time and bullets on him, that load of shit…**

Dear Alucard,

Are you sure that Integra's not a crossdresser? I mean she looks so much like a

man... I bet the he/she stuffs its shirt…I just want to clarify, so my brother can figure out if he's gay or not.

Sincerly yours,

TheGoddessofTeddybears

**Dear GoddessofTeddybears**

**I KNOW she is a woman, I can even stab it in blood for you! I saw her… eh… naked… once…Ehehehehheee….**

**PS. Is your brother the God of Dolls since you're the Goddess of Teddybears..? Just wondering…**

Dear Alucard,

Havs Integral ever punish you? When she was little did you punished her? or now you punish Seras when she

misbehaves?

Where can I get some blood . Im thirsty

Please respond

**Dear The last dark angel in the world,**

**Integra is the goddess of punishment. You'll never know what she'll do when she's angry…**

**Ps. Go to the nearest blood bank. Ds**

Dear 'No life king'

Do you enjoy wearing that leathar suit? Or is it one of your many 'orders' by

Intergral --?

yours trully

**Dear DaughterofVlad,**

**Leather? It's cotton! It breathes…**

* * *

/Quena


	7. Chapter 7

YAY! I'm back with another chapter! Thank you all for the reviews and all the letters! So sorry for the late update, I have had tons of homework and tests, and I've been to a convention (,). I think I'll end the story after the next chapter (ch.8), but I'm not sure… Anyway, read and enjoy!

* * *

Dear (SEXY THING) Alucard:

You're hot! I really in love with you!Hey,can you do a thing for me? My sister

call me bastard and I wan't her to die!MUAJAJAJAJAJAJA!...ejem,ejem,sorry

(don't tell Integra that I laugh that way!)I have some cuestions for you:

1.- How old are you?

2.- Are yo interested in Integra or in Seras?

3.- Do you know what ir yuri? 'cause I do a fic of that!

4.- What kind of music do you like?

5.- Tambien hablas espaol? (Do you speak spanish too?)

6.- What was first?the egg or the chicken?

and the last one:

7.- Se nota q soy mexicana?

Well,that's all I want tou ask you!I hope you answer me!

Truly yours:

Yukyhime Katsukina Hellsing

PS: Would you be my boy friend?I'm a vampire too...well...half vampire,but

that's the same, no?

**Dear Yukihime Katsukina Hellsing,**

**I know I'm hot. Everybody wants me, even my own devoted friend Walter… THAT is one gross thing. Your laugh is really weird, did you know that? ****Well, I don't think I can kill you're sister… but if you kneel down and ask sweetly I'll think about it, Anyway, on with the questions:**

**1. I'm not old! Why can't you ask 'How young are you?' next time! (grumble Grumble.)**

**2. Nope, never was, never will… I have a parakeet, did you know that?**

3. …**(gulp) I-is that more 'y'-stuff?**

**4.I don't listen to music so often (I usually listen to my secret tape recordings from Master's office… and some other places….) , but when I do I like the Phantom of the Opera-songs and those short songs on the radio. I think they're all called "Jingle"… Weird.**

5.…**Come again?**

**6.Hmm…. Since eggs are made of omelettes and chickens are made from chicken soup, I think the eggs came first.**

7.…

**PS: Get lost! I am a free man! Or vampire… ARGH, whatever!**

Dear Alucard

Have you ever taken up stalking? I swear it's really fun, The other day I was

fucking around with Andersons head, the loser...ehehehe

DaughterofVlad

**Dear DaughterofVlad,**

**So you're the one behind the mysterious peek-a-boo-disease Anderson had last week? HAHAHAHAHAA! Keep up the good work, girl!**

Dear Alucard,

Im totally in love with ya! lol not the whole mushy type thing nor the whole

perverted thing just kindof think ur kule! well neways uhm my sis is wonderin

wat bloodtype do vamps drink? and another one is if u already look goodlookin

and vamps dunt have reflections then how do u check ur hair or if ur lookin

good? sry been puzzlin me for hours and btw theres this boy at my skl who

stalks me and wont leave me alone and he once told me he loves me indirectly and

said sum...things to me that i dunt like culd u take care of him for me! THANX

ur a doll ;) see ya l8ter!

Totally diggin ur glasses,

Green eyed demoness (i noe its blackdemoness but i didnt want to change it)

**Dear Green eyed demoness,**

**Yay! I totally luuv ya 2! Kyaa, let's start a club 2getha and luv each other till the end! **

**Just kidding.**

**PS. I didn't understand a single word. **

Dear Alucard:

DON'T TRY TO KILL OR YOU WILL MEET YOU DOOM!I saw that my sister ask you for

that,YOU ARE WARNED!

Ps: And also,we are cousins of Integra,so if you try to kill I will say it to

Integra and you will suffer!AJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!

**Dear wierd,**

**PUH-LEASE, I KILL WHOM EVER I WANT! **

**PS. Your laugh is creeping me out! **

Dear Alucard,

L13K, OMG! I have so many questions! YAY FANGIRL-NESS! Anyhoo, can I poke you!

Also, can you kill some people for me? Vampire keep coming after me cuz they

wanna suck my blood...it's getting annoying...and slightly disturbing...DIE

DRACULA!

Hugs! (-)

Kitty

**Dear Kitty,**

**Noooooo, a FAN GIRL! You may NOT poke me, or else I'll bite you! GRRRR! WOFF WOFF!**

Dear Alucard,

Hey, ya know i think you are soo cool. do you enjoy kicking vampire a? I do too. In fact I fight all types of creatures from vamps to demons, even humans. i'm willing to join hellsing as long as i get to fight those monsers w/ ya. In fact i know i'll fit in realy well. i'm sure we have a lot in common. so what do ya think? am i in?

ps: judgeing by by name you probly think i'm a boy (like most ppl) but i'm not.

pss: i am a complete fangirl, and even if i'm not in the hellsing org. w/ you,

i'm still going to come after you and clame you as mine forever! muahahahahah!

love ya kill ya

blade assassin

**Dear blade assassin,**

**Yeah, I really do enjoy kicking asses. Not just vampire ones, but all kind of asses (except my own. HAHAHA! HAHAH! Not funny…).**

**To join the Hellsing you have to be recruited, so my advice to you is: attack Master's mailbox with ton's of letters. I heard that some of the guys in the bomb squad got in that way… **

**PS. I don't know if it'll work but you can always try! **

**PPS. Hmm, you're a girl! XDXDXD **

**

* * *

**

**/Quena**


	8. Chapter 8

wOOt, special!XD I'm so happy! XD XD Yay! Yay! Banzaaaai! Wohoo, Pocky for everyone! EHum, back to reality, Quena. shakes head I've been working on it all summer (since I was at a place where internet at home is a luxury… :'O sob sob sob…) so I really hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own ANYTHING of the following. I'm just putting words together creating a story out ofstuff I like. But I do own a lot of useless dust and the cutest guy I know is ashamed of being an otaku, poor fellow.

Observe! All the links and emails are not real! I had a good time makin them… XDXD

A little reminder:

Normal: Emails to Alucard

**Bold: Answers from Alucard**

_Italic: Automatic email replies._

* * *

Quena: Lean on me, Lean on me, Lean on meeee! 

Cruelparasite: Oh, no. You can SING (If you call that singing…) ANYTHING EXCEPT Home Made Kazoku…

Quena: Uhh… okey, how about POOOOP IS DEAAAAD head bang !

Cruelparasite: NO, NO MIYAVI IN MY HOUSE!

Bya-chan: It's not your house. It's you grand ma's.

Cruelparasite: WHATEVER!

Quena: I want an ice cream!

Goldfish: Yeah, me too!

Cruelparasite: WTH, where did you come from!

Goldfish: Where did YOU come from!

Bya-chan: I want a vacation…

Quena: Kimi wa Boku no Vanillaaa!

* * *

Dear Alucard,

Since the first time I saw you I've always been thinking about you, and how I really have to meet you! You can really pick the right fabric and colour! I admire your patterns! We are truly partners-in-cape! I have made several capes in your size, in all kind of models I can think of. If you have the time, please come over!

Deepest admires

Thread Archer

PS. You have to teach me how to regenerate clothes! I'm starting to get tired of always having to pack an extra cape… DS.

**Dear Thread Magician,**

**AHAHAHAHAHAA! Nice joke there! Hahahahaa! Almost laughing my guts out, even though I don't have any! Haahahhaahaa! Ha ha….You're kidding, right?**

Deer Alucard,

I think you schould get a sword! It kan be tad usefull in fights. I noe this guy ho noes this guy ho makes swords and stuf! Yeah, he is a bit nutty and sometimes kreepy coz he kan blow fire out of his mout and he has a kow that kreeps everybody out, but his swords kiks as!

Hav a nise day!

NUMBUH 7

**Dear NUMBUH 7,**

**I have had a sword but I didn't use it so much, and then a CERTAIN SOMEONE with GLASSES and TICKLY BEARD and WHITE TROUSERS and a WEIRD COAT bought sword-ish things, so if I start using swords now I'd look like a copy cat, and that's not so hot, is it?**

Dear Alucard,

Roses are red,

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

Anderson is tall

You're cute

Love from

ILYSMIHTWCFAY

**Dear ILYSMIHTWCFAY,**

…

Yo Alucard!

Happy to see that you got yourself an email! I don't think those letters reached you, right? Well, I'm writing to you regarding a problem we both share; fan girls. You know how it is to, for an example, lay there on the beach you thought was unknown to humanity and all of a sudden see how thousands of girls comes running towards you, all of the equipped with cameras, pens, autograph books, everything! Brrrrgh…. It can still keep me up at night.

What shall I do! I've tried everything! Masks, identity switches, educating, garlic, kung fu, pretending to be a pervert … Every time I try something new they seem to enjoy it more. PLEASE HELP ME! I think I'll go mad if this stalking continues!

Your white haired buddy

PS. BTW, Thank Pip from me and tell him I'll send him his book as soon as I'm finished with it. I think it'll take a while, I think I have to pass the three students I have now. Books can be read next year too ,. DS.

**Hi there K-chan!**

**Long time since the last time I heard anything from you! I guess it's the damn mail, but it can be that the letters are directly directed to the missy upstairs and she burns up nearly everything that smells suspicious. Hmm... I think I'll have to start checking the mail before it enters the 'room of doom' upstairs. **

**About the problem you have, let's just say that I'm working on it. I think I've found the fan girls weak point, but I'm not telling you anything about it, at least not yet. **

**Take care!**

**PS. Bernadette says you can keep it. He says the second volume is much better. DS.**

Dear Alucard,

You're pretty famous, aren't you? Well, I'm famous too. And my fandom will crush your. Take THAT, No Life King.

/ The Dark Lord

**Dear I'm-too-scared-to-face-the-No Life King-IRL,**

**I see you're one of the few that DOESN'T check the FanListings! I KICK YOUR ASS.**

Dear Alucard,

I have a problem. I know a guy who is… well uh… kind of gay. When it comes to sword fighting he's a real legend but when he's not fighting for justice he ... Uhh… cooks, does the laundry and other stuff that WOMEN does! He has also the strangest taste of clothes, and once he wore a ribbon. AND he lives under the same roof as a real beauty and he's NOT attracted to her! I get really nervous around him sometimes… It scares me. Please, I don't want to think that my friend is gay but he, well... IS gay! Not gay gay, but, you know, gay. Not really GAY but still kind of gay even though he isn't gay. Am I using the word gay too much? That's so gay… OMG, am I GAY! ARGH, PLEASE HELP ME!

Bad Guy

**Dear Bad Guy,**

**Get a girl. I said the same to an old friend of mine, and he "lived happily ever after"… Well, until he got dumped. But that's irrelevant.**

Dear Spawn of Satan,

IM GONNA SMASH TIS GODFORSAKEN HOMEPAGE! YER LITTLE SO CALLED ORGANIZATION WILL BE BANNED FROM TEH INTERNET FOR ALL ETERNITY! SEE YE ON TEH BATTLEFIELD, UGLY!

/Yer beloved arch enemy.

**Dear Mr.Too White Trousers,**

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! JUST TRY TO CRASH MY SITE! I HAVE NORTON ANTI-PRIEST! SEE YOU AT GENDOU'S, MUTT!**

**/Church Destroyer**

Dear Alucard,

We're a bunch of guys needing help. W're currently sitting at an internet café somewhere (don't ask me where!). The thing is that we're lost! We went out to search for this strange place called Al-Irgnahs, but, hehe, now we're lost. We think we're somewhere around Mont Everest, but we're not sure because everyone speaks Spanish (Mount Everest is in Russia, right?). We REALLY need help! Some kind of map (we had one but my DEAR FRIEND (let's call him G) lost a stupid bet at a bar on the way here) would be great! Just send us something! We appreciate everything!

/Lost boys

**Dear Lost Boys, **

**http/ www . google . com . Even monkeys can use it.**

Dear Alucard,

This song is dedicated to you!

Alucard, my permanent accessory

Alucard, a party time necessity

Alucard, alternative to feel like yourself

Oh Alucard, I still drink to your health

I love you mare than I did the week before

I discovered Alucard

Forget the café lattes,

Screw the raspberry ice tea

I'm there for you, to comfort you

I love you more than meat

I'll cook for you, I'll clean for you

Like you have never seen

Alucard, I'll bear your child and treat you like you want

You're my man, Integra has to hunt

Oh Alucard,

Would you please forgive me

Coz I do not love my self

You are something else

I love you more than I did the week before

I discovered Alucard

Please do not ignore

My love, you are my all.

I am not like all your fans

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalaal

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Lalalalalalalalalalalaaaa!

This is my message to you. I LOVE YOU!

/Your true love

PS. The song "Alcohol" by Bare Naked Ladies SUCKS! DS.

_Dear **alucardstruelove hellsingshrine . net**,_

_Themessage could not reach **nolifekinghellsing . org**due to the receiver's Fan Girl FireWall. _

_Read more at: www .fangirlwall . co . uk_

_-Norton Anti Fan Girl_

Dear Alucard,

Will you bear my child?

/ Houshi

**Dear Houshi,**

**What the-!**

_Dear Alucard,_

_You received a Greeting from your dear friend, Alexander, at ChristianGreetings . com!Check out the link to see what you got!_

_http/ www . christiangreetings . com / lovehate / hate / 066 / sndvirus . html_

_Ifthe link doesn't work, copy and paste it into the URL box._

_Jesus is Everywhere!_

Dear Alucard,

I thought I'd send you this message to inform you about my existence! It's important that you know who I am, because I will be king one day! Well, that's pretty much what I wanted to say!

Take care!

/ Rubber

PS. OH YEAH! ONE MORE THING! THERE'S A REALLY FUNNY BUTTON ON THE KEYBOARD! IT SAYS 'CAPS LOCK' ON IT. IT MAKES THE LETTERS LARGE! IT CAN BE KIND OF ADDICTING, THOUGH! I HAVE BEEN USING IT FOR 46 DAYS IN A ROW NOW, HEHEHEHEEE! XDXD DS.

**DEAR RUBBER,**

**I DO N 'T CARE ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE, WHETHER YOU'RE A KING OR NOT, ONLY IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU, BUT THANKS FOR THE TIP ON CAPS LOCK, IT REALLY IS FUNNY (AND ADDICTING)! BUT I THINK I SHOULD STOP USING IT, POLICE GIRL SAID HUMANS GET HEADACHE OF IT, AND WE DON'T WANT MY SITE TO LOOSE ITS VISITORS, DO WE?**

Your 20 G email account is 99 percent full. We will stop all incoming mail until You make more room by deleting at least10percent of Your mails. We suggest emptying the Trashcan. If You do not delete 10 of your mail within 1 hour, Your account will be closed and your email address will be invalid.

_- www . hellsingorganization . com_

Alucard gasped. He didn't expect this! Police Girl said that it would take really long time before it would be full! He started trembling. 

"What! No! I don't wanna delete my emails! What shall I do? What shall I do...?"

He looked terrified at the small numbers at the right bottom of the screen. Almost ten minutes. What should he do! Suddenly, a small candle appeared followed by a small 'ping!'

-AHA!

He ran out off the small dungeon he was using as a computer room (and a secret hideout in case of PMS) and up the stairs to the first floor.

-POLICE GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL!

Seras jumped up when she heard her name. She was sitting in the kitchen watching Seinfeld with Walter.

-WAAAH! Oh, it's just you, Master…" she took a deep breath and looked up at him."

-What now?

-You have to come! It's an emergency!" he said with a really dramatic voice, almost expecting Seras to say "Quick, to the Bat Mobile!"

He grabbed her hand and ran out from the kitchen and down the stairs to the dungeon.

-LOOK, he shouted pointing at the screen.

-Master, that's just gross…, said Seras holding her hand over her mouth, eyes wide open.

-No, it's not gross, what are you talking about? he said looking at the screen. The screensaver was on. "Oops…"

-Oh, hehe… Yeah.

He moved the mouse quickly and the email appeared.

-LOOK! The goddamn email society-thing told me to delete emails!

Seras looked confused at him.

-Uhh…. Yeah?

-Yeah!

-So what?

-What WHAT!

-What's the problem?

-I don't wanna…

Seras sighed.

-There's nothing you can do about it. If you don't follow what they said, your account will be shut down.

Alucard looked at her and then down, taking a deep breath.

-There's only one thing to do about it…

Seras looked scared at him.

-No… No, not that thing…

Alucard straightened his back, loading the Jackal. His eyes were glowing and he was smiling slightly.

-Yes. KILL THE TRASH!

-No, please Master---!

Click-click -

BOOM!

* * *

Well, this is the last chapter of Dear Alucard! Hope you had fun , . Thanx a lot for your reviews! Special thanx to my alter egos Bya-chan and Cruelparasite for forcing me to go to bed instead of continuing to write the story. If it weren't for them I'd be dead right now. And kids, don't forget to brush your teeth before you go to sleep! The tooth priest might come across you! (HAHAHAHAH! Come a-cross! Did you get it? A-cross! You know, cross – priest? XDXDXD Church – Priest – Cross? Cross –? XDXDXD…….. I have to take my pills). 

/Quena

PS. I might write a sequel, but that depends… DS.


End file.
